"My experience with a Dr at my recent visit."

I arrived 30 minutes early feeling drained and exhausted after spending all night in A&E with an elderly neighbour. I hadn’t eaten since previous day so got a scone and tea to settle me before the session.  The doctor came out 5 minutes later, called my name and immediately turned back into the corridor. Gathering my belongings I couldn’t find the doctor on entering the corridor and had to ask two different people which room they might be in.  This was a dr who was not usually there. 

Entering the room I apologised and said -sorry, I wasn’t expecting to be called early-to which their reply (as they flicked through my file) was that I was lucky to have an appointment some people have to wait. They then, without even the most basic of pleasantries (or introducing himself) asked -so how are you- I told them I wasn’t well, I’d had a tough few months physically and mentally (including the death of my only companion, my dog) No acknowledgment of this was made, their immediate response was to focus on my medication; implying I’d been coming on and off it regularly. I disagreed explaining that while a discussion was had at one visit re coming off it at some point no firm decision had been made. They insisted, reading from the file (about a medication I’d been on in 2019) saying -well it’s in here in black and white.

Discussion quickly turned to current dosage. He pointed out that it had been increased. I confirmed my GP had adjusted to see if it would help me as I was struggling so much.  Their blunt response was -well that’s the dose working for you now, you will not be coming off that-.  I was summarily dismissed when I asked what would happen if I got worse. They flatly said that they would just keep increasing dosage accordingly or maybe add another medication. When I asked about possibly reducing it in the future they shut me down saying -you’re talking about things that MIGHT happen-.   Their tone made it clear they werent interested in considering my concerns. They continued to insist I’d being going off medication even though I corrected him by saying that while dosage had fluctuated between 20 and 40mg I had NEVER stopped taking it.

They seemed completely uninterested in the fact that I’ve had a very challenging year mentally and physically as I also live with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis. It didn’t seem to register at all!  At one point they asked how often I experienced panic attacks. I said -maybe once a week, maybe more, maybe less, but that anxiety was the bigger issue, which I manage on my own as best I can. They then said -tell me what you consider a panic attack- and I had to list off all the symptoms I experience while having one. The next comment was a sneeringly condescending -well do you want me to give you a tablet-.That’s when my anxiety began to spiral upwards. I began to feel small and worthless, like they were belittling me for even trying to manage my condition. I was acutely aware of the power imbalance in that room. This person, in a position of authority made me question myself and for the first time I felt completely unsafe in a medical appointment.

I asked what they meant by -giving me a tablet” and the response was extremely impatient. My heart was racing, it was overwhelming how dismissive and impatient they were. At that point all I could do was say that I wanted to end this appointment.  They tried to talk over me and I just put up both hands and asked them to stop talking. I was shaking and began to gather my things. Near to tears I said I was leaving. I felt like they had made assumptions about me from the first moment.  .

I asked a staff member to get someone I had recognised as I went in.  She stayed with me until I could calm down. I then deliberately walked home hoping the fresh air and the walk by the water would settle me. I also called a friend because I was afraid my emotions would spiral even further if left alone. I needed someone who knew me, someone who could remind me I wasn’t a fraud, that I’ve worked very hard on my recovery even though this Dr had made me feel otherwise. This appointment was part of my care plan, I wasn’t there looking for more tablets. In fact considering the challenges of the past months I was doing well to be there at all!   In reality they were dismissive, condescending and completely uninterested In truly listening to me.